4 ways to bring up "sore subjects" to your husband
We've heard it said many times before...In every marriage, there are struggles.
"He just doesn't understand what I need from him"
"I wish he would just tell me how he feels instead of walking away from our conversation"
"I wish he knew how insensitive he can sometimes be!"
"I wish he would just be a listening ear instead of always trying to fix everything"
"When will he step up and be the spiritual leader?"
"Why won't he show me he loves me?"
These are common things I hear from women.
Even if the married couple doesn't provoke each other and they get along fine, the stresses of life can weigh down on any relationship.
Illness. Work stress. Financial stress. Stress with the keiki (children). Church drama (for lack of better words). Car troubles (ouch, this one hits close to home for us).
While marriage can be rough, it can be the biggest blessing this side of heaven.
How do I communicate with him through this difficult time in my marriage? Being able to communicate well without causing offense or without being offended is difficult but it can be done!
Here are 4 things to consider
1. Pray about how you will bring up sensitive subjects. There were many times I would have a very heavy burden on my heart about something I disagreed with. I didn't want my words to come out wrong, because once it comes out you can't take it back. So I pray. I would pray God would create a perfect time to talk to him. I'd pray God would prepare his heart to talk about it. I pray for my words to be without blame, and to be seasoned with salt (Col 4:6) My husband has said many times that he really needed the conversation and it makes him a better Christian when we have these talks. On the flip side, I have said things in casual conversation that I didn't think much about. I've had moments being quick to speak and slow to listen. This backfired big time! Learn from my mistakes and pray before entering into a deep conversation.
2. Examine yourself. Pray the Lord helps you find any logs in your own eye. You know this scripture right? Let's read it all the way through and live it.
"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5
So before going to your husband, pray. Ask God if you have any beams in your eye. Ask Him to search your heart and point out any sin you are guilty of. Confess it to the Lord, then confess it to your husband so you may see clearly and help him with the mote in his eye.
I've done this backwards before. I remember telling him that he would ruin our boys if he talks down to them, he will have to stand before the Lord, he is mean to them etc. Obviously this wasn't well recieved. When I took a step back I had remembered one of my sons saying, "Mommy why do you get angry for something small?" Ouch! That 2nd chance conversation went something like this "I know that I get impatient with the children at times, and I can get angry. I know that it could probably crush their spirit and I feel horrible about that. I really want US to be good parents and I want our children to rise up and call me blessed, and I want them to honor you as their father. Can we please pray for God's direction?" More than likely, my husband will recall his own faults and confess them to me. We will pray together and grow together.
3. Seduce him. Okay let's face it ladies... men feel very loved and attended to when we are intimate. And when we want to feel "loved" by having a good old fashioned conversation about our deepest concerns and emotions, sometimes you just have to let him know that YOU also care about HIS need to feel loved through sex. I'm not saying we need to "turn our brains off" and become "sex objects" just so we can have a regular conversation with our spouses. I'm not saying we need to be manipulative and give our husbands ultimatums saying "If you won't talk to me I won't have sex with you!". This is an example of what it would look like. There are times when I feel like there is a very sensitive issue I would like to talk about, I may initiate a good make out session, and in the middle of it I'll say with deep concern "Babe? Can I talk to you about something?" He will smile and say "SURE ANYTHING!" More than likely, after the conversation you will feel so fulfilled and loved because you were able to share your heart. Normally when women feel that intense emotional connection with their husbands they also feel like being intimate. If that conversation ends up in a heated disagreement, keep pushing through that barrier, pray inwardly and complete the conversation until you are both reconciled. Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 6). Forgive each other, pray for each other, hold and embrace each other. Reconciliation sex is wonderful isn't it!? Win-win for both of you!
4. Be sincere, yet straightforward. “When I try to bring up a serious issue, he just shrugs it off or makes light of it. Does he even care?” The answer is YES he does care. Men usually need a lot of time to prepare for deep, heavy conversations. Shaunti Feldhan, author of the book “For Women Only” learned that it takes an average man 12 hours to process his feelings and information and be able to express it out through words. Us women can do this within seconds! Ask him straightforwardly and sincerely, but give him time to think if he asks for it. If you come at him like this “We really need to talk about our finances, I mean, you just don’t make enough and we need solutions!” or “We need to talk…why don’t you get along with my family?! It hurts me that you don’t care about them” That’s going to be perceived as an attack on him. Love is Patient and love is Kind. You can say “Hon, is it ok if we talk about something? It doesn’t have to be now, but it’s something very important to me.” He might say “What is it about?” You can tell him “I know this is a sore subject, but it’s about my parents moving in. Again, we don’t have to have this conversation right now. But if you need time to think about it first, let me know when we can talk about it.” This gives your husband time to go into his deep-thinking world and prepare for the conversation. He loves you and wants to “fix your problems” so allow him to “gear up” for that conversation and be positive! Show him how much you appreciate his efforts to communicate. If he agrees to it ask him "ok, I'll leave it up to you. When would you like to talk?" This way the issue is not totally dropped, you have an "appointment" to communicate and he will be thankful it's on his terms.
I know there must be more ways to communicate with your man other than what’s mentioned above. I would be blessed and encouraged to hear how you find ways to communicate with your spouse.
