How I started trusting my husband with decision making
After about 3 years of marriage, it was hard to trust my husband with making decisions for the family. It seemed like our marriage started rough and just got harder with each year. Before any readers start imagining worst case scenarios, I just want to be straight… he is not abusive, he doesn’t yell at me, and he is not an adulterer. He happens to be very loveable, very godly, and very compassionate. He is hard working and has a genuine servant's heart. He is a good protector and values quality time. He washes the dishes for me, massages my feet every single day of pregnancy and supports me tremendously when I give birth. He loves his family, respects his elders, and reaches out to those less fortunate.
“So, what’s the big deal Erin. Sounds like you got it good!”
Without people knowing our specific struggles, they would think I was just being a ridiculous wife with unrealistic standards. For those of you who understand the term, “Mr. Visionary”, I don’t have to explain much of why I had difficulty trusting him. But if you are unfamiliar with the term “Mr. Visionary” please read “My husband the visionary” so that you can better understand this article.
Being married to Mr Visionary is an adventure. My husband always says “Movies are made about visionaries!” In other words, visionaries are extraordinary people that move and shake our society so much that people write books and make movies about them. John the Baptist and Ezekiel. Henry Ford and Thomas Edison. Martin Luther King Jr and Steve Jobs. These are examples of real-life visionary men. Movie characters like the dad in Honey I Shrunk the Kids or Flint Lockwood in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs are fictional examples. These people feel like they can change the world with their convictions and ideas. They’re interesting people with deep thoughts that are always on a mission. So when I’ve already lived several years hearing things like…
“I think I can make a product using floss as a knife!”
“I figured out a way we can use rain water to flush our toilets!”
“I think living in a step van could save us a lot of money so we can help more people!”
“We should buy land on lava rock! It’s so cheap!”
“I saw the doctor doing Abraham’s circumcision. I’m definitely doing the next one if we are having a boy!”
“Babe, meet this guy I met while street witnessing. I told him he could live with us!”
There’s more! So much more! Many of his ideas worked out well. As far as some of the more serious situations, God provided a way out. Phew! THANK YOU JESUS!
When we had to switch roles, and Mike needed to stay home due to his illness, (more of that in another article) God provided for me a job with the State Dept of Health. I got a job as a Breastfeeding Peer Counselor with the WIC program and started making money. State jobs are pretty desirable in Hawaii. The pay is usually decent and the benefits are even better. I had paid vacation, paid sick and paid holidays. We moved back from the Big Island and stayed with my parents which was a first time in our marriage. As gracious as my parents were, it was 9 months of squeezing 10 people into 1 house, 6 of us in 1 room for several months until a family friend moved out so the meiji could have their own room. It was hard. I took control of the budget and penny pinched so we could save and move out. I was stingy. I would get upset when my husband needed more money for groceries, or when there was something not being done “my way” especially when it came to the children. I would think "I can make the dollar stretch on ever meal, how come he can't? Oh I guess I have to prep everything!" I could give more examples of this type of thinking but won't waste your time with that. A lot of you may know what I'm talking about. Without me knowing it, I started thinking of myself as “the head of the household”, and “the one with more sensibility”.
When we had finally saved up enough money to move out, I started searching around for apartments and town-homes. And by the way, searching for a good rental happens to be a very depressing thing to do when you live in Hawaii. Everything is so expensive and even if you can afford it, you don’t want to pay for it because it never seems to be worth THAT much money. I was getting discouraged until one property manager finally called me back. She set up an appointment. I drove down to the place, which wasn’t in the best neighborhood. It was a very busy street with lots of traffic and a strip bar in plain view. The smell of urine and cigarette smoke permeated the entrance of this apartment building. The rooms were so small I didn’t even know if we would be able to fit our bunkbed in there and still have room to walk around! I thought with much hesitation, “Well…maybe this could be it, we just have to teach our children to be thankful and make do with what we are given”. I still feel this way, I really truly do. BUT… I had NO PEACE as far as signing the lease. I felt very uneasy. It wasn’t just that this was not an ideal place, because sometimes God calls us to live in places that aren’t perfect and it could be an opportunity for us to serve and minister to the people. What I needed was peace concerning this and I didn’t have that. What I needed was a clear answer. I needed someone to lead me. I asked God as I drove home “Please show me your will. Is this the place? What should we do? I want to ask Mike but he wants me to make the decision. Why?”
Then the Lord spoke to my heart. He said “You don’t trust your husband”
And I said “Well of course I do…don’t I? I mean, I want to ask him his opinion. That must mean that I do trust him”
Then the Lord REALLY pressed hard upon my heart and I felt these words resonate through my soul… “You think you are BETTER than him!”
You know that saying “It hit me like a ton of bricks”? I never really felt that before, until that day. I mean, it literally took my breath away! As I drove, I wept so bitterly because I knew it was TRUE! I parked the car outside of my parents’ house where my husband and children waited for me to arrive home. I texted him to please meet me outside in the car so we could talk. I told him about the small apartment next to the strip club that smelled like pee. I told him the price and that the parking wasn’t free either. But I told him we could afford it. I looked at him desperately and asked, “What should we do?” He said “It’s up to you”, being passive with almost a "giving up" attitude.
Then I burst out in tears and threw myself in his arms as I shared with him what God had shown me. He held me in his arms, and for the first time in a long time, I felt so safe. I felt like whatever he decided, I would not just be OKAY with, but I would whole heartedly HONOR it.
“Please make the decision for me! For us! I can’t do this! I’m sorry I thought I was better! Please forgive me!”
He looked at me and shared a warm, comforting smile. He held my face with his hand and wiped my tears. He said “We will not take it. I will find a place for us.” Then, I felt a burden lifted. I said “Thank you!” and exhaled.
We prayed.
And just two days later, he found a place. It was on 2 acres of property in Waianae Valley, with 150 or more fruit trees and a gorgeous newly built home. It was a 3 bedroom that had a kitchen bigger than the living room and bedroom put together of that tiny apartment I looked at. The master bedroom had a walk in closet that my daughter mistook as an “extra room”. I’ve never lived in anything like this house! It was nothing short of incredible. The owner needed a landscaper because two acres was too much for him to take care of. He hired my husband and we lived on the property at a very discounted price.
My brother in law told us about it a month before and my husband had brought it up but I shot down his idea a few times thinking a “work exchange” was some sort of scam and who would allow us to live on their property in exchange for landscaping?
Imagine how ridiculous I felt when I walked into that house! I praise our Father for His infinite WISDOM and amazing GRACE.
Friends, I don’t know what you’re going through in your marriage. I don’t know your specific situation, or your struggles. But I DO know that God will honor your request when you ask Him for help. When you ask Him, “please make me a better wife, please help my husband make good decisions, please give us wisdom” He will honor that request! I also feel that, if your husband is a good willed man, trying his best to make ends meet at to be the spiritual leader of the family, make it easier on him and you, and trust him. If you have a hard time doing that, ask God for help and at the very least pray "Lord, I really don't know what my husband is thinking or trying to do, but please help us in this situation and provide a miracle so all Glory can be given to You!" The Lord can do something inside of you that no one else can. He WANTS to bless the marriage that is surrendered to Him in ways we cannot even imagine.
''Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen'' Ephesians 3:20-21